Thursday, September 12, 2013

I feel like shit

6:14 am. 

My heart feels empty and sore.

What is happiness? 
(state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy)

Happiness is temporary. Happiness never lasts. One moment we can all be happy and contented, and the next all we feel is sadness, pain and sorrow. Often I find myself questioning God why I am put to go through such pain. But I never get the answer. Not yet, at least. Will I ever get the answer? That I don't know. To me, the perfect answer would be a brand new life. A life that I have always wanted. A life that does not consist of all the pain I am going through right now, and from the past. A life that answers all my doubts. Then, I would fully understand the need of this tedious journey of my life. 

But for now, as I've yet to receive the answer, all I can say is I am lost. I cannot visualize any light, any path. Do you know how it feels like? Let me give you a scenario. You're at a desert. Alone. You have completely no form of communications. You have no directions. You cry and scream and pray and cry and scream and pray. But you are still stuck. And it suddenly hit you that you might just be stuck in there forever. 

Well I am sorry I suck at describing feelings. But that was the best I could go at 6 in the morning. So, do you comprehend this feeling now? I don't blame you if you don't though. Because not everyone is as unfortunate as myself to have to feel like this. 

Have you ever felt like going somewhere far away? Far away. Really far away. As far as you can get. Away from all these troubles. Just leave everything behind you and go. Just go wherever you can. Do things you enjoy.. Never to have to worry about anything again. Be happy. 

But that, my friend, will never happen. I guess it is just one of those things that floats around your mind. Because this is life. THIS is life. Life is THIS. Just gta suck it up. All I want now is everything to be solved and life to be back to normal. Please. I have had enough.

How I wish life can be a fairy tale fantasy. 

6:40 am 

My heart feels as empty as it ever was. Will it ever get filled? 

Part of it is the emptiness my family gives me. And I suppose it will be there forever. And part of the hole is from the lost of my dogs, which will never ever be filled again. No words can describe how much I miss my dogs, especially Tavis. It is so painful. My day can be going all well and fine but all it takes is just a thought of him and the tears come flowing down. I cry so often because I miss him so much. To be completely honest, I still find myself being unable to accept the fact that he is gone forever. I call his name but he never appears. I look around the house, at his favourite spots, but he is never there. Empty. Painfully empty. Whenever I look at instagram videos of dogs that look just like you, I get reminded. I would think to myself if only you could be here with me again. They say time heals all wounds, but I don't believe in that. Because 20 years down the road, I will still cry and miss you just the same, if not 20 times more. I told myself that I will never own a pet dog again. Because I don't ever want to go through this pain again. 3 times is quite enough for my heart. Don't you think? Not forgetting yang, the only companion I have left. One day, he will have to go too. But then part of me wants a dog so badly in the future, when I have a family.

Because to me my life will never be complete without a dog's love. 
But even if so, no other dog will be able to replace Tavis and everything he has given me. 

Before I end this extremely sad and wordy post, I wna thank A and J for being here for me. For rushing down to meet me even if it was 12am without any hesitations and stayed with me up until 6am. Really thankful. And K and W for meeting me after a call and bringing me ice cream. :') I am very thankful and blessed, and I appreciate everything. Thanks for making me feel so much better. I really needed it. 

What would I do without you all?

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