Saturday, July 13, 2013

I want to write this entry because I need to get it all out my chest. But I am so afraid to start as I know my tears are not gonna stop flowing as I type. But I need to.

If you know me, you should know that I had 3 dogs. A female golden retriever called Baby whom unfortunately left us after several months of suffering from cancer. That was just 2 months ago. It was painful, needless to say. A westie called Tavis and a really fierce mongrel called Yang yang. Tavis.. He would be the one  my friends are more familiar with. Because he is SO dear to me. I love him so so so much. No one will understand. He was my bestest friend, and he will always be..

I still remember the very first day he was with us. He was our first dog since our male Silky Terrier called Playboy/Baby left us, unfortunately due to a car accident. It was bad. That was also my first time feeling that kind of pain, when I was 9.

I was primary 5 then. I came home from school one day, and there he was playing with my maid at the garden. I remembered vividly because I got so happy. Time passed, it has been 6-7 years. He had been through so much with my family, especially me. My family were always not at home, I was an extremely lonely child, and still is. My 2 sisters are not living with us since a couple years back. Thus it's just my eldest sister, my parents and I. Tavis was the one accompanying me everyday. He was always here. I tell him things sometimes, just because he was my bestest friend. I cried in front of him, just because he was the only one there when I was at my lowest. He was a smart boy. He knows I'm crying when I am. He licks my tears. But Tavis, why are you not here to lick my tears for me this time? He was not suppose to go so soon. No one knew. He did not deserve to go, and he was not ready as well. None of us were ready. He was only 8 years old. I always thought Tavis, that you would stay with me until you leave because of old age. At times, I think about the time when you will have to leave, and I always felt like tearing whenever I did, because I know it is going to be so, so difficult. But I always told myself that there's still a long way to go. That day will only come after a long long time. But I guess that was what I predicted. And that prediction is now wrong. Because of the one and only reason; life is so fucking unpredictable.

Just a year ago, you had a bone stucked somewhere near your heart. And because of that, you almost lost your live. I was crying so hard, but you survived. No words could describe how relieved and thankful I was. However that only lasted for a while. I guess it's nothing but fate, huh? I can't blame fate, I can't blame life, but fuck it really. Why is life so fucking difficult?!! We lost Baby just 2 months ago, and now, you left. Overwhelming. Overwhelming is the word.

I never knew this was gonna happen. It was a normal day at school. But when I got home, I noticed he couldn't walk properly. His legs were weak. He was limping. So I immediately called my sister and she said she will rush home. I just sat beside him. Tried feeding him water, and gave him a piece of cake. He didn't eat it at first, which was very unusual. But he did eventually after feeding him. I thought it was just a joint problem. But no, his heart started pumping fast. His eyes had fear. And then it became sadness. I could see it. He was tearing. I started crying too. Because I realised something was happening. I kept calling my sisters because I was so scared. I've never felt this afraid before. I just hugged him, patted him, kissed him throughout. Until it got worst. He slowly closed his eyes. His mouth was open. His heart was pumping only every 5 seconds. And I have to tell you, that has to be the scariest moment of my life thus far. I felt so helpless. I was just looking at him die away?!?!! I kept calling my sisters and I was crying and shouting but they obviously didn't know it was this serious. I asked my sister if I should rush him down the nearest clinic on my own but she said no. I should have known better. I should have just did it anyway. It was my fault isn't it? I tried. I was calling his name the whole time, asking him not to go, telling him my sister was about to reach, asking him if he wants to go walk walk, or if he wants mam mam(food), because he will ALWAYS respond to them. But he didn't... His body tensed up and then relaxed. Motionless. I was so afraid I wouldn't hear that pump every 5 seconds anymore. My mind was in a state of shock, panic, desperation, grief everything. And my sister finally reached and rushed him to the clinic.

He was breathing again after they helped him. They said he was ok. And we just had to wait till he got better. But 5 mins later... he was gone. WHY?!? Tavis why. I wish you could tell me what happened. The doctors don't even know. But it is probably ticks fever.. Because there were so many ticks on his body and everywhere around the carpet, we had to leash him up. Just before he left, he was leashed up everyday! We did unleash him sometimes but we really had to so as to help him. And because of the ticks, he couldn't go for walks. He haven't walked in a long time. And we haven't cooked scrumptious meals for him since Baby left us. I was still thinking of cooking for you when I'm free soon. Why didn't you give me that chance, Tavis? I feel so so so sorry that you didn't enjoy your last weeks. I'm really sorry.

Painful. It was painful. Seeing you lay motionless at the vet, with your eyes open.. I looked right into your eyes, wishing so hard that they will move, that you would blink, but of course that never happened. I wished that wasn't my last time seeing you.

Are we cursed? Every dog of ours passes so tragically. Why? What have we done to deserve this? From 3, to 1. In such a short span of time. Did Baby take you with her? Is that why? Never ending list of questions. So many whys. But no answers. I guess I would have to think on the brighter side. What Justin told me is true.. At least I spent his last moments with him. At least I was hugging him and talking to him. I hope he felt loved. I really hope so. I hope he knows that I was helpless and I didn't meant to watch him lose his breath because I didn't know all these were going to happen. Can you imagine if I had went for dinner, or stayed in school longer, and came home later? What would I have seen? Him already laying motionless? Him having to spend his last moments alone? That would have suck.

This is the first night you're not here with me Tavis. And I feel so lonely. Thinking about how I am going to spend my life without you.. I really have no idea how. I don't know. I cant. It is like a part of me now missing.

I hope you'll be reunited with Baby soon at the rainbow bridge. I know she'll take care of you.
I lost my bestest friend. I lost Tavis Choo. I lost him. Forever.
But I'll always love you, and you'll always be in my mind, Tavis.

Forever and always.

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